When you’re co-parenting, making major decisions together is one of the biggest challenges. Joint decision making might include things like choosing a school, agreeing on medical care, or deciding on extracurricular activities for your child. Effective co-parenting means working together to make choices that benefit your child’s well-being. Here are some tips for shared decision-making that can help you and your co-parent reach agreements more smoothly.
Why Shared Decision-Making Matters
In co-parenting, shared or joint decision making shows your child that both parents are involved and care about their future. It also gives each parent a chance to have a say, which can help avoid misunderstandings and build trust. When you and your co-parent work together on major decisions, it creates stability and helps your child feel secure.
Tip #1: Clearly Define What “Major Decisions” Mean
Not every choice needs to be made together. It’s helpful to define what qualifies as a “major decision” in your co-parenting agreement. Major decisions typically include:
- Education: Choosing the school your child will attend or deciding on special education needs.
- Health: Making choices about medical treatments, vaccinations, and regular check-ups.
- Religion: Deciding if and how your child will participate in religious activities.
- Extracurricular Activities: Agreeing on sports, music lessons, or other regular activities.
Small, day-to-day choices, like what your child eats for dinner or which clothes they wear, usually don’t require joint decision-making. By defining “major decisions,” both parents can understand when they need to come together and when it’s okay to make decisions independently.
Example: Sarah and Tom agreed in their co-parenting plan that major decisions would include anything related to school, health, and religion. This clarity helps them know when they need to discuss things and when they can make decisions on their own.
Tip #2: Keep Conversations Focused on Your Child
When discussing major decisions, always keep the conversation focused on what’s best for your child. Avoid bringing up past issues, arguments, or personal opinions that aren’t directly related to the topic. Keeping the focus on your child helps both parents stay calm, respectful, and productive.
If disagreements arise, take a step back and remind each other that you’re both trying to do what’s best for your child. This mindset can make it easier to find common ground and reach a decision.
Example: Emma and Jake are co-parents who disagree on whether their son should play football. Emma worries about injuries, while Jake believes the sport will teach discipline. They both take a moment to think about what’s best for their son and discuss other sports that might offer similar benefits without the risk of injury.
Tip #3: Set Up Regular Check-Ins
Scheduling regular check-ins can make decision-making easier. These check-ins could be once a month, once every few months, or whenever major decisions come up. Having a scheduled time to talk keeps both parents on the same page and helps avoid last-minute discussions.
During these check-ins, you can review your child’s progress in school, discuss upcoming activities, and talk about any health or other concerns. By having a regular time to discuss these issues, both parents stay informed and involved in their child’s life.
Example: Lisa and Ben check in every month over the phone. They review their daughter’s school performance, talk about her extracurricular activities, and discuss any health updates. This routine helps them make decisions without needing to arrange special meetings.
Tip #4: Stay Open to Compromise
Shared decision-making often requires compromise. It’s unlikely that both parents will always agree on every issue, so be prepared to find a middle ground. Think about what’s most important to you and what you’re willing to compromise on. If your co-parent suggests an idea, listen with an open mind and try to see things from their perspective.
If you’re struggling to agree, consider splitting decisions where possible. For example, if one parent is more concerned with educational choices, they might take the lead on school decisions, while the other parent handles sports or extracurricular activities.
Example: Mark and Carla disagree about which school is best for their son. Carla prefers a nearby public school, while Mark wants a private school. They compromise by agreeing to enroll their son in the public school for elementary years and revisit private school options for middle school.
Tip #5: Use Co-Parenting Apps to Keep Track of Decisions
Co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents can make shared decision-making easier. These apps help keep track of important information, document conversations, and allow you to share updates. Having a written record can help prevent misunderstandings and give both parents easy access to important documents, schedules, and agreements.
Using a co-parenting app also creates a shared space for decisions, so there’s no need to rely on text messages or phone calls to keep each other updated.
Example: Sam and Julia use a co-parenting app to share their son’s medical information and school updates. They upload documents like report cards and doctor’s notes, so both parents have access whenever they need it.
Tip #6: Seek Help from a Mediator if Needed
If you and your co-parent have a hard time agreeing on major decisions, a mediator can help. A mediator is a neutral third party who helps co-parents communicate and find common ground. Mediation can be especially helpful for big decisions where emotions run high, such as choosing a school or handling a health concern.
Mediators can guide the conversation, help clarify each parent’s concerns, and suggest solutions that both parents can accept. Mediation helps you avoid going to court and keeps decision-making in a positive, constructive setting.
Example: When Sarah and Jack couldn’t agree on medical treatment for their daughter’s allergy, they met with a mediator. The mediator helped them weigh the pros and cons of each option and suggested a compromise that both parents were comfortable with.
Tip #7: Remember the Goal: What’s Best for Your Child
In all major decisions, remember that the goal is to do what’s best for your child. While it’s natural to have different opinions, the main focus should always be on your child’s well-being. Keep the lines of communication open, stay respectful, and work together as a team. Your child will benefit from seeing both parents involved and committed to making thoughtful decisions together.
Final Thoughts
Shared decision-making in co-parenting can be challenging, but with patience and the right approach, it’s possible to make it work. By defining major decisions, staying focused on your child, setting up regular check-ins, being open to compromise, using helpful tools, and seeking support when needed, you can create a positive and effective co-parenting relationship.
When both parents are committed to working together, your child benefits from a stable, supportive environment. Keep the focus on their happiness and well-being, and remember that co-parenting is a journey that’s easier when you’re both on the same team.
